SCHAFT'S
STANDARD DISCLAIMER




Any resemblance between anything here and the views of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above sentence and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is way beyond the scope of this page.)

No part of this page may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of the reader's system. Printouts of this page, when crumpled and swallowed, may cause serious choking.

Warning: This site may contain explicit descriptions of, or advocate one or more of the following: adultery, morbid violence, bad grammar, deviant sexual conduct in violent contexts, or the consumption of alcohol and illegal drugs. But then again, it may not. Who knows?

For best results, avoid doing stupid things.

If your application demands constant uninterrupted ceaseless unremitting everlasting endless eternal persistent perpetual permanent existence, please contact a qualified quantum mechanic.

This document may not be reproduced, in whole or in part, by any means, including but not limited to: Mechanical reprints, electronic storage or scanning, theatrical release, musical ballads, word of mouth, sign language, braille, pantomime, hetero- or asexual reproduction, or genetic engineering. This document is meant for educational purposes only. Valid only in the US. Void in the 48 contiguous states, Alaska, Hawaii, and where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Caveat emptor.

You may not post on this site or sell through this site any item that could cause us to violate any applicable law, statute, ordinance or regulation. This also applies to any live animals, human beings or body parts, soiled undergarments, bulk email lists, switchblades, and automatic weapons such as AK-47s.

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[[[ In Stereo ]]]
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WARNING: may cause cirrhosis of the liver, inflammation of the brain, heart damage, pancreatic damage, kidney damage, spleen implosion or explosion, thyroid combustion, severe nasal hair growth, blindness, eruptia, pregnancy, infertility, fecal incontinence, impotence (AKA "Just Bobbing Your Dole"), loss of genitalia and/or hermaphroditism, hair loss, skin blemishes, bone deformity, throat cancer, ulcers, hangnails, bladder leakage, sores, scabs, elephantiasis, hepatitis, conjunctivitis, gingivitis, appendicitis, bronchitis, and/or athlete's foot. Not recommended for children, adults, senior citizens, animals, insects, plants, or dead people.

Use only with proper ventilation. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. Do not belch Hydrogen Beer (tm) near open flame. Driver does not carry more than $20 in cash (he is married). Operators are standing by. Do not read while operating a motor vehicle. Remove before flight. Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Ball. For indoor or outdoor use only. Remember: objects in the mirror are actually behind you. RTFM. YMMV. TANSTAAFL. INAL. IMHO. Branches from the nearby foliage or geological specimens may fracture my skeletal structure; however, inaccurate descriptions of my physical appearance, heritage, or personality cannot damage my psyche. I didn't do it. Don't say I didn't warn you.

No game show contestants, Tupperware representatives, cork sockers, sock tuckers, corn shuckers, chicken pluckers, double-clutching mother truckers, overpaid doctors, toilet paper roll winders, people named "Elmer Joe," Kirby salespeople, Psychic Friends Network employees, condom testers, or anal thermometer quality assurance personnel were harmed in any way either physically or mentally during the making of this page.

This disclaimer complies with proposed U. S. federal requirements for disclaimers Section 301, Paragraph (a)(2)(c) of S. 1618, which mandates, among other things, a free salad shooter if you call in the next five minutes.

Crossed fingers don't count.

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Do not attempt anything you have seen or read on this site unless you have a signed statement from a medical doctor certifying that, in his professional opinion, you are a moron who deserves to die.

Tag, you're it.

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